Sunday, February 28, 2010

long time went fast

It feels like a long time since I posted, but it went by so fast. I have been feeling busy since I started my new job. (honestly, I thought the new job would stress me out and make me gain weight, but I am actually the same size... 129.) I got alot on my mind and once agian, I got consumed by my life and what was going on around me, and I forgot about my one true personal goal I have set for myself... The only thing I know for sure in this life I truely desire...   To be thin again. well, now that I have adapted to this job and current situation, I am ready to take on one of the hardest tasks, self control. over food, over taking care of my body with extersize.  I keep telling myself in the back of my head, just do it... every day, just get up and workout. its just an hour. then I do it maybe once or twice a week and think, well its better then nothing. but, then I realize, it's only just getting me by and maintaining everything I am right now. I'm not saying I hate myself. Frankly, I could be alot worse off then I am now. I always tell myself, "I could be living on the streets, and have no legs."
I haven't had internet or tv at my apt for a bit now, (lent my conection to the sis) and I honestly felt a bit disconnected to everyone.  Sometimes it actually felt good.  but having blogs and reading stories of everyone out there who is just as frustrated as me, helps me stay strong and get through the hard times.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Today my weigh in was 130
which is not bad considering that by  jan 27th I wanted to be at 129. Hope I can do it!
Ever since I started working it has kinda helped me to lose weight. Its easy to not eat when I'm at work because I'm occupied. But when I'm at home, thats when I have a hard time not eating. 

So.... today when I sat down for dinner with my boyfriend, I did a good thing! SABOTAGE
I made him a great dinner. One that I could have just sat down and ate for a half hour straight without thinking, but I made my plate SUPER HOT!    I added every hot sause or spice I could find to mine and let me tell ya, I didn't eat much.  Of coarse he eat his but me, I said I wasn't that hungry. =)   I had a few tums and water for desert.

Monday, January 25, 2010

The job went great I didnt eat

I like the fact that being at work keeps me busy so I don't have time to eat anything.  Its just that right around lunch time, when everyone around me is eating burritos and donuts, its hard to just get by on coffee and 1/2cup orange flavored fiber water. I just dont take any extra money to work to buy food with, or bring anything to eat. then by the time I got home today my head was pounding from hunger. I just need to go to bed early so I get more sleep, and am hungry less.

There were some super skinny girls there, the type of girls that I would love to look like.  Its giving me more motivation to not eat, so I can obtain my weight goals. I am fasting till 4 everyday, and only eating a nice dinner.

I was bad for a few days before I started work and didn't look the way I wanted to so I was mad about that. But happy that work help keep my mind busy and my stomach empty.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Im trying not to give up here

why is it when I get on the scale it says the exact same thing I dont want it to? I have been stuck at the same weight for days. Im starving all the time, and NOT A POUND! whats up? Its hard to not give up. Its hard enough to cut back on drinking, but no food!

Ok, I just need to try harder and not give up. It can't NOT work. It will work, it always works. I'm just not trying hard enough.
these are the things I am constantly saying to myself.

Its true though. it will work. we all know it or we wouldn't do it.

I need help here, I feel myself getting week.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

This is what I want my ass to look like!

This is what! I want my ass to look like!!!

New diet regiment from now on!

calories allowed, up to 600 per day, but only if I work some of it off.
Work out ever day 15 min cardio no matter what.
Only water!! no alcohol! lots of water.
(sex is always great to burns some extra cals. =)

So, this means I need to-
work out at least once every day (sometimes 2)
count every calorie (no more than 600)
drink water

Today- 134 lbs

Jan 27- 129

Feb 3- 125

Lets see if I can do it!!!

I have been having a hard time trying not to think about food or alcohol. I got so use to drinking and eating whenever I want, so quiting them both at the same time is even harder. I have high hopes though. I have been only been trying for a week now and my boyfriend said he already sees a small difference. =) !!! Just remember to think positive! If you think, "I will always be fat!" then you probely will. Just try to think about how skinny your gonna be in the future and how proud you will be that you did it and that will happen! Stay strong and think thin!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Today my boyfriend asked me to go to lunch with him to red robin. (that evil, evil place!)
I ended up ordering 2 shots of 151, a sprite (not diet coke) and spinach and art. dip! I got tippsy and full! I was pissed at myself. But super happy he wanted to take me out for lunch. I love him, and I love making him happy, and I cant help but think me being skinny will make him happier with me. Hell, ill be happier with me. (even though he says im not fat, and he loves me for who I am) thats just what their told they have to say. If I were him, I'd be like, "stop eating you fat cow... look at your thighs, you disgust me!" hes not mean to me like I am to myself. I bought some fiber powder to put in my water once a day. my brother told me it would absorb some of the food I eat and ill "pass it" later. =)

Well enough hating myself for what I shouldnt have done, right? Theres always tomorrow...
And thanks for the comments! =) Everyone on here is so great, you make me feel normal, like there's someone out there who gets me and is going though all of my emotions and feelings with me so I'm never really alone. And GREAT tip on the eating off his plate! Love it! I would feel like a pig if i kept asking for some of his and that will make me not want to.

Great tip for low cal meals...
3/4 cup raw brown rice, 1 1/2 cups water, cut broccoli, tomatos, carrots, and 1 can cream of broccoli soup in a cassrole dish and cook for 1 hour.
its a great health low cal dish everyone will love and you wont hate yourself for having no more then a cup of.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Why is it so hard some days

I have a boyfriend who likes it ALOT that I am a good cook and I cook for him often. (frankly he is grumpy when he doesnt eat cuz he goes to the gym alot so he needs the food) So a problem I am having is cooking all of this yummyness and not eating it myself. I try to make stuff for him that I dont like, but there isnt that much food I dont like!
The only thing I can try to do is eat less, when I do eat I have to eat smaller portions, and WORK OUT as much as possible. I had a job interview today and I got the job, so I want to try my best to bring my weight down 10 lbs by feb. when I start. I havent been trying hard enough or I wouldnt have to try so hard if I had. Right? well anyways, dont be to frustrated or mean to yourself if you indulge a little bit, just try hard not to, and work it off if you do. I am having a great day today besides feeling fat. lol which is always. lol I just remember, I'm only going to live once.
So I might as well have as much fun as possible while I'm here. <3 =)

Monday, January 11, 2010


Its hard sometimes...
The reason why I gained so much weight without noticing and taking control first has alot to do with the fact I drink...
I enjoy drinking alcohol. ALOT. and when you start to drink alot you get hungry. your body wants to absorb all that alcohol your drinking. And being drunk for prolonged periods of time you dont notice as much if your gaining weight till one day you look in the mirror and, BOOM! your fat again!!!

Well, I have been on a fast, right... I f**ked up and drank some vodka diets today and got the hunger cravings! I had a choco cookie and spegitti and chicken! not alot but I could have held out for a low cal salad for dinner if I hadn't of drank.
Lession learned! Don't drink if your trying to lose weight or fast. Its empty calories that will probley make you have the munchies. (its not as easy to talk yourself out of munchin when your drunk =)

Saturday, January 9, 2010

ALRIGHT, thats it!!!

I just feel so frustrated!!! Its so hard to not let food take control. Even though I know im doing good, I always feel like i could be doing better. I always say, well maybe if I didnt have those trisket crackers for a snack or that spaghetti for dinner, I would lose weight faster and wouldnt look as horrible the next day. I still am not doing more then 900 Per day, but I feel like a week fool inside if I do that bad. My goal to help me lose the weight fast is 500 per day. Thats super hard but doable.
My boyfriend lives with me and he heard me puking in the bathroom this morning and was all grossed out. "eeeww dont come near me if your gonna start that again!" I tryed to assure him it was from the alocohol I drank the previous day, then he got mad about that. When I was feeling weak he walked into the kitchen to see me having a little bowl of cerial with milk and said, "I thought you were gonna stick to your diet, thats milk in there, I thought you said you were gonna do plain oatmeal." and I thought WTF. at first you say if I start puring again you'll be pissed, but now your saying I shouldn't break my deit plan!
I don't know what he wants.

Its day 2 and I feel GREAT!!

I have been fasting for 2 days and I lost 6lbs!!!! I feel so proud of myself.

I started at 136, yesterday I was at 133, and today im at 130!!! fuck ya!!!

But, its mostly water weight. Ill take it!! anything to make that scale say a lower number.

I feel so strong and in control when I actually keep up to my goals. Nothing taste as good as thin feels!!!

Im going to the ski resort today to get some extersize, I told my twin sister yesterday that im fasting ands she said she wants to do it with me so now i have someone to compete with. It really helps me to have her to call when im feeling week, and hearing about her progress makes me try that much harder. I need to start working out harder.

Anyone got any tips on a good work out to do at home that will make me swet? I heard my boyfriend say the otherday he weighed himself before his workout and after he workedout he had lost 4lbs, just from that workout!!!

well anyways anyone reading this who knows how im feeling please feel free to comment.

It feels really good to have somewhere to vent, im glad i found out about blogging. =)

Friday, January 8, 2010

I lost 2 Lbs

I bet anything its only water weight but its something. I just started my fast yesterday and im on the right track. I am gonna try every trick in the book till i get to my target weight. its really hard, and no one will ever understand the torment you have to suffer sometimes but its worth it. NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS!

I bought a giant fork and spoon (these things are like 3ft tall wall decorations) to put up in my kitchen to remind me how BIG of a deal this is for me and I should never give in to the temporary satisfaction of binging. (i just cant purge unless i've been drinking, then its no problem)

Pictures of how i want to look on my fridge is another thing that really helps me fight those midnite cravings. =)

My boyfriend had to tell me!!!

Im starting this blog because, I dont know I need some way of connecting with other people about being ana.
I never realized i was ana until I started looking it up on the internet a few years back.
I just thought I was ment to be a small person and never had much of an appeitite. I used to be heavy into drugs in my teens and early 20's ( well im only 25) so I never ate much then either. I was about 99 lbs 5'2. I never ate. dont get me wrong I love food but high suppresses your apeitite. After my recovery from drugs everyone kept telling me how great I was looking now that I was gaining weight. And I believed them!!! That was a mistake. I shot up to 135! and im a small person so that really looks weird on me. Well after I had enough of that I went back to ana and i got down to a perfect 105!!! then everyone started with the "your lossing so much weight" "you need to eat" pitty party on me. So I listened again and here I am 25 and super unhappy with how I look. My boyfriend said to me the other day when he caught me undressing in the closet to hide my fat from him, "if its such a big deal do something about it!" AND IT HIT ME...
I LET FOOD CONTROL MY LIFE AGAIN! but not no more!!!!
I hope some of you who feel the same way will help me on my way to my target weight and stay strong with me. together we can burn the fat and beat food!

Today I am only taking in 500 calories. (i gotta start somewhere)
tomorrow I start my 24 hour fast, then ill take it from there. anyone with me?!
Ill keep posting